It feels like today was the first day of my new future. It all started a few weeks ago. No, it was a week and a half. I had a lot of self healing sessions in that week and a thought popped in my mind: What if I change things? What if I leave that place and start working from home again? But this time in my new home. I didn’t give much attention to this thought at the moment.
It was true, that in the last few months I started to feel exhausted from time to time. Like I’m giving out so much and don’t get enough in return. The events I’ve been organizing (art markets), were taking too much of my time. Creating posters, sticking them on the walls of this little town, constantly contacting people to share the event, to come to the event, replying to messages, answering the phone calls, dealing with demands of people… And then almost always having bad weather, not enough visitors, feeling like I didn’t do enough, even though I did everything I could at the time. Feeling sad, because not everybody had good sales. Feeling bad, because my sales were low. Why do I give so much energy to something that gives me so little back? Why do I try and try and try, to be dissapointed again and again? Of course I also got a fair share of the good things from every event I organised. Meeting new people, exchanging informations, getting excited for every positive feedback, knowing that at least somebody can pay a bill or two thanks to the market I organised. But what about me? Is this really how I want to live?
What about books I want to read? What about movies I want to watch? What about taking walks to the nature, where I feel the most loved and accepted, where I feel like I really fit into this world. What about words that I have inside, but I don’t have a time to share them, because I’m to busy pleasing others?
The next day I went for a drink with my beloved friend Nina. A make up artist, present mum and a spiritual traveler. Oh, how much I love her… It’s so amazing to me, when I find somebody who can listen and understand and contribute to conversation so well. I told her all about how I feel. How sick I am of working and not getting the results, how sick I am of putting myself to the last place. How sick I am, because I don’t have time for what matters to me the most.
And in one moment she said: Why don’t you start working from home? You have the place now.
It was like a sign. When I came home, I had a healing session with a help of the video from Kai Ashley. And during the session I realised, what is my dream life like. What can I do to live accordingly to my personality. My personality? A thinker, a researcher mixed with phylosopher mixed with artist, mixed with introvert who loves people. But who loves people when she have enough time to spend with her own. Thinking, reading, walking, writing. Who enjoys 1:1 conversations and is this way able to give far more than being constantly surrounded by people. A picture of my perfect week came to my mind. An idea, that can be turned into business, without me needing to turn myself into somebody I’m not. An image of me being okay with my personality and being paid for who I am. Not forcing myself to be always out there and available for everybody and shining my light, if the truth is, that I love being with myself. I am able to shine my light and go out there, when I’m first available for myself and when I take care of my needs. When I can do what I want when I want. Not just living the routine I got myself into and which isn’t serving me anymore.
I figured out I have to say NO, to some things in order to say YES to myself.
So I decided to stop organising those events. I knew people wouldn’t be happy about it. But I will be. I decided to move from the house where I’ve been having my workshop for the past two years and in which these events been held. My workshop is in a beautiful building in town centre, with high ceiling and amazing natural light in the afternoon. I’m still grateful for the oppurtunity to be in it for such a low rent. But the low rent’s cost started to be too high for me and my well being. In order to have such a low rent, we should contribute to the house and the town with organising the events. And as responsible as I am and being idealist by nature, I did my best.
But it’s a time close this chapter. I cannot give my best anymore. Because it’s time to give my best to myself, to people who really love me and to people who genuinely enjoy my work.
I am really grateful for the support of my boyfriend in the past month, for listening to me, for giving me a bunch of aha moments, thanks to making things simple when I overcomplicate them and for believing that’s possible for me to live the life I want to live. Thanks to this I found a whole new layer of love I feel for him.
So, today, the first day of my new future, I spent time doing tasks at home, cooking a delicious vegetable soup, meditating, reading a book, going for a walk that filled me with pure joy, laughing out the happiness and sense of freedom and writing this post. And now I’m gonna enjoy the evening with my boyfriend. Aaaah, feeling good.
And this picture of my perfect week? Ohhh, it’s amazing. Will tell you more about it next time, stay tuned.
And thanks for reading, I appreciate it so much that you find my words interesting! <3