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“When it becomes more difficult to suffer than to change… you will change.” – Robert Anthony

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Hello fellas! There’s a lot of change in my life lately and there’s more to come! And even though that’s not the most easiest time of my life, I really do enjoy it. Even though it hurts and my ego got some huge kicks lately, I am also so joyful about who am I becoming.

You know, last year, when I was stil attending a spiritual university, we were at that weekend seminar and we had that special meditation one evening where we were connecting with spiritual masters. If you are skeptical about such things, it’s okay, doubt is okay… And I felt in that meditation a call to start sharing my journey, my experiences, my wisdom with others. To help them. But at the same time I felt resistance to this. I mean, who am I to tell others how to live? Who would even want to listen to me? Why? I don’t have any great successes. I’m too young. People won’t take me seriously.  Shouldn’t I get my shit together first? I didn’t felt worthy of such call. I felt like I oughta to be perfect all the time and always kind to everyone and never angry or worried, to be worthy of giving advice to others, to inspire other people.

Pozdravljeni, dragi moji! V mojem življenju se zadnje čase dogaja veliko sprememb in še več jih prihaja! In čeprav ni to najlažje obdobje, vseeno res uživam v njem. Čeprav kar boli, udarci, ki jih je moral moj ego prestati v zadnjem času so bili precej močni, radostno opazujem, kakšna oseba postajam.

Lani, ko sem še hodila na Duhovno univerzo, smo bili na bivalnem seminarju in en večer smo imeli posebno meditacijo v kateri smo se povezovali z duhovnimi mojstri. Če ste kaj skeptični okrog takšnih stvari, ni to nič takšnega, dvom je okay…  In v tej meditaciji sem začutila klic, da začnem delit svoje potovanje, svoje izkušne, svojo modrost z drugimi. Da jim pomagam. Ampak obenem sem do tega čutila odpor. Mislim, kdo pa sem, da bi drugim govorila, kako naj živijo? Kdo bi me sploh želel poslušat? Zakaj? Nimam nobenih velikih uspehov. Premlada sem. Ljudje me ne bodo jemali resno. Kaj ne bi bilo boljše, da prvo uredim svoje sranje? Nisem se počutila vredno takšne naloge. Občutek sem imela, kot da moram bit skozi popolna, prijazna do vseh, nikoli jezna ali zaskrbljena, če želim komu dajati nasvete ali koga navdihniti.

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But now, as I look back, I realised, that I can do that with sharing what and who and where I am now. That I can share with you stories that are currently reality for me, that I can be real and share with you not only my light but also my dark side. That I can share with you my struggles, my imperfections, my cracks. I’ve read in this fantastic book, Daring Greatly, that light comes in through cracks. And it does!

Ampak zdaj, ko gledam nazaj, sem ugotovila, da lahko vse to delam tako, da delim to kar in kdo sem, tukaj in zdaj. Da lahko delim z vami zgodbe, ki so zdaj moja realnost, da sem lahko iskrena in delim z vami ne samo svojo svetlo stran, ampak tudi temno. Da lahko delim z vami moje boje, nepopolnosti, razpoke. V tej fantastični knjigi, Daring Greatly, sem prebrala, da svetloba pride noter skozi razpoke. In je res!

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And not only, that I got help from you when I was screaming for it, I also gave some of you help with this. Because you felt connected to me, because you too sometimes feel the way I do. We tend to feel when we struggle, like we are the only ones who are suffering, like we are all alone in the world. But we aren’t. And huge thanks to all of you, who had courage to say to me ‘Me to! I know how you feel, because I feel crap and stuck too.’ Thanks for trusting me enough for being real with me! We created awesome connection! Not only connection in suffering, but also connection in rising above, we are connected in change, in our willingness to change. Because status quo is not an option. 

In ne samo, da sem od vas dobila pomoč, ko sem kričala po njej, s tem sem tudi sama dajala pomoč nekaterim izmed vas. Ker ste se počutili povezane, ker se sami včasih tako počutite. Kadar trpimo, se znamo počutit, kot da smo edini na svetu, kot da smo čisto sami. Ampak nismo. In velik hvala vsem vam, ki ste imeli pogum, da ste mi rekli ‘Jaz tudi! Vem kako se počutiš, ker se sam/a tudi počutim tako bedno in ujeto’. Hvala, da mi dovolj zaupate, da ste iskreni z mano! Čudovite povezave smo ustvarili! Nismo samo povezani v bolečini, temveč tudi v napredovanju, v spremembah, v želji po njih! Ker če so stvari takšne kot so, to ne pomeni, da bojo takšne tudi ostale.  

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And today I have another story to share with you. It may hurt, as there’s a possibility it will trigger something in you. But if we run from pain we also run from joy.

So on Friday, I sat down and start to write down how much money I need and for what. Money has become such a spiritual teacher for me… And when I was somewhere half done with it, I started to feel so anxious in my solar plexus. I knew if I don’t deal with it, it will stay. And I will attract even more anxiety. So I stood up and started tapping. Solar plexus is connected with personality, with letting youself shine in the world. So I asked myself, why I don’t let myself shine? Why it isn’t safe for me? When had I felt this anxiety before? And I remembered, how I was hiding behind bed or under a bed when I was as child left home alone. In my imagination there were robbers around the house and if I’d let myself be seen, they could do something bad to me. It’s better to stay hidden.

As I was clearing this out, the next memory came to me. But that was other side of the coin. Where I was hiding myself to be seen, to get the attention. When mum was mad at me or she didn’t give me the attention I needed, I used to hide under a kitchen table. In an empty corner between two benches or under a bench. I was more quiet than a mice. Only my grandma knew where I was. She was on my side. It was fun, that was my revenge to mum for not paying attention to me. Because when she realised she hadn’t seen me for some time, she start searching for me and calling me. She was afraid. But I was quiet, enjoying my payback. Until I got bored. Then I came out and she was relieved. And with that game I got the feeling, that she does care about me. But she was also angry and told me I should not do this. Now I realise I wasn’t only one with hurt in this situation. She was hurt too. 

And I realised, I don’t need to hide myself anymore, I can outgrow this pattern. Because, if I hide my light, who is going to see it? But what if I get hurt, if I let myself be seen? Well, better get hurt sometimes, than always hiding myself and my gifts.

In danes bi rada delila z vami še eno zgodbo. Obstaja možnost, da vas bo zabolelo, če vas bo spomnilo na kaj v vas. Ampak če bežimo od bolečine, bežimo tudi od radosti.

V petek sem se usedla in začela zapisovati koliko denarja potrebujem in za kaj. Denar je postal takšen učitelj za mene… Ko sem bila nekje na polovici, sem se namreč začela počutit zelo tesnobno. V mojem solarnem pleksusu je bila takšna dušeča praznina. Vedela sem, da če se ne poglobim v njo, da bo ostala. In je bom dobila še več. Tako da sem se vstala in začela s tapkanjem. Solarni pleksus je povezan z osebnostjo, s tem, da si dovoliš sijati v svetu. Zato sem se vprašala ‘Zakaj si ne pustim sijati? Zakaj se mi to ne zdi varno? Kdaj sem že prej čutila takšno tesnobo?’ In spomnila sem se, kako sem se kot otrok skrivala za ali pod posteljo, ko sem bila sama doma. V moji domišljiji so okrog hiše hodili vlomilci in če bi se pokazala, bi mi lahko kaj naredili. Boljše je, da se skrivam.

In ko sem čistila ta občutja, je do mene prišel naslednji spomin. Ampak to je bila druga stran kovanca. Tukaj sem skrivanje uporabljala kot način, da so me videli, da sem dobila pozornost. Ko je bila mama jezna ali mi ni dajala pozornosti, ki sem jo potrebovala, sem se skrila pod jedilno mizo. V prazen kot pod klopmi ali pod klop. Tišja sem bila od miši. Samo babica je vedela, kje sem. Ona je bila na moji strani. Bilo je zabavno, tako sem se mami maščevala, ker ni imela časa zame. Ker potem, ko je ugotovila, da me že nekaj časa ni videla, se je prestrašila in me začela iskati. Ampak jaz sem bila tiho, uživala sem v svojem maščevanju. Dokler se nisem naveličala. Potem sem prilezla ven in se ji pokazala. Da si je lahko oddahnila. In s to igro, sem dobila občutek, da ji je mar za mene. Ampak je bila tudi jezna in mi je rekla, da ne smem tega početi. Zdaj ugotavljam, da ni bilo samo meni hudo. Tudi njej je bilo. 

In ugotovila, sem, da se ne rabim več skrivat, da lahko prerastem ta vzorec. Ker če sama skrivam svojo luč, kdo jo bo pa videl? Ampak kaj, če me bojo ljudje prizadeli, če se pokažem? No, boljše, da sem kdaj prizadeta, kot pa da skozi skrivam sebe in svoja darila.

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But I still felt anxiety in my stomach. But there was also another memory from my childhood. And that one hurt so much I cried my eyes out. Once my brother found a beautiful blue bracelet. He put it around his ankle. I wanted it too. ‘Why don’t you give it to me?’ ‘No, I have found it, it’s mine.’ ‘Then at least let me try it’ ‘No’ ‘Why not? I’ll just try it and I’ll give it back to you.’ ‘No’ ‘Why not?’ ‘Because not, stop bothering me’ and so on untill I started to cry. Not because I would be a bitch, but because I was hurt. Why does my brother doesn’t want to share with me? I used to share my sweets with him after he ate all of his… And then I don’t clearly remember, had we started fighting or what happened, but my father lost his nerve. And he wasn’t kind of a guy that would get really angry in front of kids, he let raising us up mostly to my mum anyway. But that time he got so angry, he wanted to beat my brother, but brother run away through an orchard and he run after him and I run after both! I was so scared, I have never seen such anger in my father before. My brother stepped in cows poo and it slipped him in the grass and my father beat him. I was screaming no, don’t, father stop, leave him, let him have the bracelet. But it was to late. Okay, dont worry, my brother haven’t died, heh. He didn’t beat him that hard, I guess, but those emotions were so intense, it felt like the end of the world to me. I knew my brother will hate me even more now. And I felt so guilty. If I didn’t want the bracelet, he hadn’t been beaten… I wanted to apologize to him, but he was rejecting my apologizes. Oh my god, so much pain in this story. And not only mine pain, because he was beaten because of me, also his pain, because his father did this something so shocking to him, my fathers pain, because he got out of control and did this to his child, what father would do that? And then he also got resentment from brother, and from me for doing this to him and from my mum for getting out of control. Poor father. And poor mother, who tried her best, to raise the children and then she gets this dissapointment of us fighting and dissapointment around her husband…

And here I realised, why I subconciously resist getting what I want. Because I am afraid someone will get hurt, if I go for it. But now, that I know, I can let go of this fear. Thanks, dear subconscious, for keeping me safe all this years, but know I can get what I want without hurting someone, I can get what I want with making everyone happy in the process (:

If you want me to make you happy, you can go to my store and pick the eco friendly accessorie, that you fancy the most 😉 There’s my soul in all of them and my soul is hella awesome, you know! 😉

Ampak tesnoba v trebuhu še je vedno vztrajala. Pojavil pa se je tudi še en spomin. In ta je tako bolel, da so solze kar lile iz mene. Nekoč je moj brat našel čudovito modro zapestnico. Dal si jo je okrog gležnja. Ampak jaz sem jo tudi hotela! ‘Kaj če bi jo dal meni?’ ‘Ne, jaz sem jo našel, moja je.’ ‘Potem pa mi jo vsaj daj, da si jo probam.’ ‘Ne.’ ‘Zakaj ne? Samo probala bi si jo, pa ti jo dam takoj nazaj’ ‘Ne.’ ‘Zakaj ne?’ ‘Zato ker ne, ne bodi tečna’ in tako dalje, dokler se nisem začela jokat. In ne zato, ker bi bila psica, ampak ker mi je bilo hudo. Zakaj moj brat noče deliti z mano? Jaz sem z njim delila svoje sladkarije potem, ko je on že pojedel vse svoje… In potem se ne spomnim čisto, ali sva se začela tepst ali kaj se je zgodilo, ampak mojemu očetu je prekipelo. In on ni bil tip človeka, ki bi se zelo razburil pred otroci… Vzgojo je itak prepuščal moji mami. Ampak takrat je postal tako jezen, da je nameraval natepsti mojega brata, ampak ta je začel teči po sadovnjaku in on za njim in jaz za njima. Tako me je bilo strah, še nikoli nisem videla takšne jeze v očetu. Bratu je nato spodrsnilo na kravjem dreku in je priletel v travo, oče pa ga je začel tepsti. Jaz sem kričala, da naj neha, da naj mu pusti zapestnico, ampak je bilo prepozno. Brez skrbi, brat ni umrl. Ni ga tako zelo namlatil, vsaj mislim, ampak vsa ta čustva so bila tako močna, kot da bo konec sveta. Vedela sem, da me bo brat še bolj sovražil. In tako krivo sem se počutila, če jaz ne bi hotela zapestnica, on ne bi bil pretepen…. Hotela sem se mu opravičit, ampak je zavračal moja opravičila. O bog, toliko bolečine v tej zgodbi. In ne samo moje, ker sem se počutila krivo, temveč tudi njegove, ker mu je oče naredil nekaj tako šokantnega. In bolečina mojega očeta, ker se ni kontroliral in je natepel svojega otroka, kakšen oče bi naredil to? In zameril mu je brat, zamerila sem mu jaz, ker mu je to naredil, zamerila mu je mama, ker se ni kontroliral. Ubogi oče. In uboga mama, ki se je po najboljših močeh naju trudila vzgajati, midva sva se pa skozi borila, kakšno razočaranje nad sabo, nad nama in nad možem..

In skozi to zgodbo sem ugotovila, zakaj si podzavestno preprečujem, da bi dobila to, kar želim. Ker me je strah, da bo kdo trpel zaradi mene in mojih želja. Ampak zdaj vem, da lahko spustim ta strah. Hvala ti podzavest, da si vsa ta leta skrbela, da sem ostala varna, ampak zdaj lahko dobim kar hočem, brez da koga prizadenem. Zdaj lahko dobim kar hočem tako, da v procesu še vse osrečim (: 

In če želite, da osrečim tudi vas, si lahko privoščite 3 Ptice Navdihovalnico (v torek je izšel nov izvod) ali kakšen okolju prijazen modni dodatek 😉 V vse je vložena moja duša, ki je super fajn! In mislim, da se to tudi vidi po izdelkih! 

V komentarjih mi pa povejte, če se tudi sami kdaj počutite, kot da ni dobro, da dobite kaj hočete. Ali lahko najdete razlog za to? 

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Do you ever feel like it’s not safe to get what you want? Can you find the reason for it?

In še mimogrede, dr. Špelca Morojna organizira brezplačen trening, preko katerega lahko ozavestite svoje nezavedne vzorce, ki vam preprečujejo, da dobite, kar si želite. Jaz sem se prijavila in danes sem že prejela prvo lekcijo z naslovom “Kaj boste storili s preostankom vašega življenja?

Hvala ti za kavo!Hvala ti za kavo!
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6 Comments

  1. Veš, tako rada berem tvoje objave…
    Opažam, da ljudje vse bolj živijo površinsko in se ne poglabljajo vase. Preplavi me ful lep občutek ko imam priliko, da ljudje svoja občutenja in iskanje sebe delijo na kakršenkoli način z mano. Ravno sem prebrala knjigo Ko življenje zasije… in na nek način razumem kaj misliš ob tem, ko govoriš o svoji svetlobi in o tem ko nekdo sije…

    Super, da si odkrila kje se skriva bolečina in samo tako boš šla lahko svojim sanjam naproti… mi smo s tabo! =) <3

  2. Anonymous Anonymous

    Pravkar se učim za zadnji pomembni izpit, ki ga imam jutri. Vzela sem si petnajst minut za internet in jih porabila na tvojem blogu – in ni mi žal. Kar te dela drugačno in posebno, je dejstvo, da se tako odkrito in javno poglabljaš vase in pišeš tako čudovite nepovršinske objave. Verjamem, da se vsi vsaj kdaj pa kdaj počutimo tako kot ti. Ampak jaz sem se vedno držala verza iz pesmi Marine & the Diamonds. "Always feel like I'm the worst, so I always act like I'm the best." Nikoli si ne bi upala tako javno povedati (zapisati) svojih resničnih čustev in razmišljanj. Velik aplavz, Anita! Hvala, ker deliš izkušnjo z nami <3

  3. a sem ti že rekla, da si carica? kar ponosna sem, da te poznam, resno!

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