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“When you give another person the power to define you, then you also give them the power to control you.” – Leslie Vernick

Life.Style.Fun. Hello birdies! These pics were taken back in August on one very happy day. I just felt so much inner peace and happiness and how everything is alright. Well, at the time when I’m writing this, I feel inner piece, but it’s mixed with ‘not everything is alright’. But I’m determined to change this. Pozdravljene, ptice! Te fotke so nastale v avgustu na en zelo srečen dan. Takrat sem čutila toliko notranjega miru in veselja, tisti občutek, ko veš, da je čisto vse v popolnem redu. No, medtem, ko to pišem, čutim notranji mir, ampak se mi meša z občutkom, da ni čisto vse v redu. Ampak sem odločena, da bom to spremenila. deichmann shoes I just got through emotional breakdown one hour ago. I had a huge fight in my mum. You know, that kind of fight that happens once every few years and you got an excuse, that you are teenager. Well, I’m not. But I still live with my mum and she pays for almost everything. Which gets me in a submissive position, kind of. And when I want to set my boundaries, it comes to an explosion. My mum it’s not in an easy position, I know that and appreciate all her efforts, but she doesn’t understand, that me, being an entreupeneur, working from home, don’t always have time and that I have my schedule too and things to do in my day. And that when I get distracted by someone or something, I need some time then to get back on track and focus again on work. That’s why I don’t like getting distracted. And so in the morning came a change of plans and she asked me if we are going to to city, because we have to buy something important (wood burning stove – the winter is coming). And so I said, ‘Okay, let’s do that quick, I have work to do’. Wrong choice of words. “Do you think I have nothing to do?” she said. And so the fight begun. You don’t wanna see my temper, when I get so angry as I was. You know that hysterical anger that comes from deep pain? When all that years of frustration in me came up – frustrasions of my family not respecting my time and seeing my work almost as a hobby, frustration, because she doesn’t listen to the end when I speak, even though I tell her that I’m not attacking her, I just want to tell how I feel and how I function! Gosh, not a pretty picture. And after all that I wanted to apologize for saying bad words to her and that I got so upset, but she interupted me once again and I couldn’t stand it, I went away and hystericaly screamed and cried as a hurt animal. If I would watch someone else in that position, I would say ‘Stop the drama’, but I couldn’t, it hurt too much. Then I went to the air and even I felt all this pain, I felt some kind of inner peace and determination. Even though I would usually in such situation be just overwhelmed with guilt for being such a bad, ungrateful daughter. I’m sure there must be something good in all this. And I think the quote I just saw at facebook sum it: Pred eno uro sem se čustveno zlomila. Z mamo sva imeli velik spor. Tiste vrste, ki se zgodi vsakih par let in tvoj izgovor je, da si še najstnica. No, jaz nisem. Ampak še vedno živim z mamo in ona plačuje skoraj vse. Kar me nekako postavlja v podrejeni položaj. In kadar želim postaviti meje, pride do eksplozije. Moja mama ni v lahkem položaju. Tega se zavedam in cenim njen trud. Ampak ona se ne zaveda, da čeprav delam od doma, to ne pomeni, da imam skoz čas, ne zaveda se, da imam nek urnik, plan za stvari, ki jih želim narediti v dnevu. In da ko me kdo ali kaj zmoti, rabim potem spet nekaj časa, da se naravnam nazaj na delo. In zato ne maram motenj. Zjutraj prišlo do spremembe v planu za danes in mama me je vprašala, če greva v mesto, ker morava kupit novo peč za drva (zima prihaja), ki jo imava mimogrede že izbrano. In ji rečem “Okay, če greva, greva zdaj takoj, ker imam še veliko za delat potem”. Napačna izbira besed. Takoj in delo, ojoj. “Kaj misliš, da jaz nimam nič za delat?” je vzela osebno. In tako se je začel prepir. Ne želite si videt mojega temperamenta, ko se tako razjezim, kot sem se skozi ta prepir. Poznate tisto histerično jezo, ki pride iz globoke bolečine? Ko so vsa ta leta mojih frustracij butnila ven – frustracije, ker moja družina ne spoštuje mojega časa, ker gledajo na moje delo, ko da je to samo hobi, frustracije, ker me nikoli, ko ji želim povedat, kako se počutim in kako funkcioniram, ne posluša do konca in se vedno začne branit z napadom – o bog, to ni bila lepa slika! In potem sem se malo pomirila in se ji želela opravičit za grde besede in ker sem se tako razburila, pa me je spet prekinila.  Tega nisem mogla prenest. Šla sem stran in jokala in kričala kot ranjena žival. Če bi gledala koga drugega v tem položaju, bi rekla ‘Daj nehaj z dramo’, ampak nisem mogla, preveč je bolelo. Potem sem šla na zrak in kljub temu, da sem čutila ta težka čustva v sebi, sem čutila tudi nekakšen notranji mir in odločnost. Čeprav bi, po navadi, po čem takšnem bila preplavljena z občutki krivde, ker sem tako slaba, nehvaležna hči. Prepričana sem, da je bilo to za nekaj dobro. In mislim, da ta citat, ki sem ga potem videla na facebooku, to lepo povzame – “Danes je tvoj dan, da opustiš stvari, ki ti več ne služijo”.  today (via The Master Shift) And it’s time to let go of my shame and guilt for not having it all figure out, it’s time to let go of frustration, because I still live with mum and it’s time to let go of this codependent relationship, it’s time to stop being dependent of my mother. I’m grown up. I choose to let go this fear of losing my mothers love, if I’m not a perfect daughther. It’s time for me to see, that I can survive and live from love I have in my own heart. Yes, I think something wonderful will come out of this. Do you have something to share? I will apreaciate your feedback, your insights. Let me know in the comments! And thanks for letting me share my dark side. P.S.: I will add new stuff to my shop this week 😉   In čas je, da opustim moje občutke sramu in krivde, ker še nimam vsega porihtanega, čas je da opustim to frustracijo, da še vedno živim z mamo, čas je da opustim to odvisno razmerje, čas je da neham bit odvisna od nje. Odrasla sem. Izbiram, da opuščam ta strah, da bom zgubila mamino ljubezen, če ne bom popolna hčerka. Čas je, da sprevidim, da lahko preživim in živim od ljubezni, ki jo imam v sebi. Ja, mislim, da bo nekaj čudovitega prišlo iz tega. Si želite kaj podeliti z mano? Cenim vaše povratne informacije in vaša spoznanja, pustite komentar! In hvala, da lahko z vami delim svojo temno stran. P.S.: V petek je izšla nova št. 3 Ptice Navdihovalnice – moj projekt, pri katerem lahko z evričem na mesec podprete mojo vizijo dela, v zameno pa dobite dozo navdiha (iskren uvodnik, z njim povezan citat, ki ga lahko takoj natisnete in daste na steno, mandalo, ob barvanju katere se sprostite, naredi-si-sam postopek, pa še kakšna akcija za 3 Ptice izdelke pade). Da vas hitreje prepričam, pa vam podarim 2.št. Navdihovalnice, ki si jo lahko snamete na tej povezavi 😉 happyif you dont go you dont have a storylegs in the airshoes in the sky finding balancejumplaugh    (3 Ptice bag; New Yorker top and leggings; Deichmann shoes, Varius necklace) (3 Ptice totica; New Yorker majica in pajkice; Deichmann čevlji; Varius verižica)

Hvala ti za kavo!Hvala ti za kavo!
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4 Comments

  1. Kakšni občutki sramu?!

    Ker živiš z mamo? Veš koliko ljudi, danes živi doma iz istih ali podobnih razlogov, kot so tvoji.
    Zakaj bi te bilo sram, zato, da se trudiš in delaš, ampak sta sistem in okoliščine takšne, da od tega ne moreš preživeti, sama.

    Moj nasvet, ne obremenjuj se s stanjem, delaj dalje in pojdi svojo pot… vse pride, enkrat.

    Sama sem bila zmeraj popoln ziheraš, a s prvo (zelo, zelo slabo) plačo, sem se odločila, da grem od doma in se osamosvojim s 23 let, kar se mi je takrat zdelo pozno… ni mi žal.

    Službe in denar, pridejo in grejo, ostaneš zmeraj samo ti in tvoje mnenje o tem, te določa.

    Vse lepo ti želim, upam, da nisem bila predolga 🙂

    xx

    • Hvala, Jelena za komentar! Ni predolg, take mam najrajši! 😉
      No, kot se je tebi zdelo pozno pri 23-ih, se tudi meni zdaj zdi prav žalostno smešno, da še vedno živim doma. Občutki krivde in sramu pa izhajajo iz tega, da se mi zdi, da bi mi že moglo ratat in da ne naredim dovolj za to. In to, da sem parazit pri mami.

      In ja, se strinjam s tabo, da je lastno mnenje o nas samih tisto, ki nas določa. Bo treba par mnenj brisat in par novih dodat (:

  2. OH i totally understand you! I live at home and work from the computer too, and my mom just thinks i watch tv all day haha. We're a different generation and they sometimes don't understand what we're doing- which is fine. Just know that what you're doing is what you love and keep going!

    xo marlen
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