Typing these words to get some clarity.
To decide, whether is the best thing to do now to clean my studio (it needs some fresh space, so I can breathe and create) or go to town for a coffee and to buy some bread and humus or maybe meditate or just go back to bed, because I have a sore throat.
Overwhelmed by choices, that all seem such a right thing to do.
But for now, I’m just gonna sit here and type these words, with my dog in my lap (he’s chewing my sweater).
Yesterday I felt this pain in my kidneys, that’s with me for months now, most of the time. Even when feeling super good. It represents fear, traditional chinese medicine says so.
My fear of the future. The fear of feeling good, because so often in my life, when things went really well for me, something bad happened. And I know on the mental level, that those things weren’t connected to me, but on emotional level, on subconscious level, I am still that kid, that could dream, but couldn’t really get those things, because those big people around had their own dramas going on all the time and who cares what kid wants and needs, if she has a roof over head and something to eat, what else does she wants, she should be grateful, some kids don’t have that.
And so I learned, to be quiet, to make others happy, to be strong for my mum, to not have my own needs. And I learned, that if I ask for what I want, I’m gonna upset people.
And it’s funny, when I know so much, and I can shift perspective in a second and look at the same event from other points of view, and go in one day through whole spectrum human emotions and then feeling amazed about how rich and full experience it is to be in this shape, to be a part of nature in this amazing form, that allows you so much possibilities of expressing yourself…
Yet it comes always back down to this void of not feeling loved, accepted and wanted as a child.
And so yesterday, I came back from a walk, where I admitted to myself, that this is what I want.
That when I cry, I want somebody to hold me until I cry it all out. I don’t want to be told that I should be strong, I don’t want to be told that I should be grateful, I don’t want to be judged. I want to be held and loved and accepted.
And so I meant to go to the kitchen, trying to not show my face to my boyfriend, because I didn’t want to upset him with being emotional again, yet at the same time I just wanted to be held and loved.
And he asked “How are you?”
And I asked, “Can you hug me?” And we sat down and he hugged me and I was crying like a rain, feeling his love and presence made me cry even more… and I was so happy in the moment that I cried even more. And I noticed that my boyfriend is getting a bit bored, but in that moment, Piki, my dog, who was watching what is going on here, jumped on the couch and squezzed himself against me, with the most compassionate look in his eyes and love just radiating from him.
And so I was crying and laughing at the same time, feeling loved, feeling safe to show what I feel.
And I don’t feel pain in my kidneys anymore. Maybe because it moved to my throat, haha.
I think I am going to town now, or make myself potato soup.
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