I’ve been doing the work. I have been productive. I’ve been figuring things out. Which was also productive. But I’ve also been hiding.
I’ve been perfecting myself. Learning about myself. Watching myself, listening to myself. But I’ve also been hiding.
I’ve been listening to others. Been there for them, gave them my best. My silence, my presence, my comforting words, sometimes my raw words. But I’ve also been hiding.
Waiting to share myself when I got it all perfect, when I know everything, when I prove myself first…
I forgot it’s not just about final destination. It’s about journey.
And I created so much of journey, that I couldn’t find time to share it with you.
And I also ask myself, who do you think you are, thinking that some cares about you and your journey. It sounds boring anyway. You are still trying to figure things out. The same thing you do your whole life already. You are still working on your brand. The same thing you do for last 4 years or something like that. You are still sharing your thoughts with the world. On the internet. Because in real world you usually just listen, and ask questions, being to afraid to speak up, afraid of confrontation, afraid of people saying to you, “shut up, you talk too much”, or turning their eyes away from you, or even make you uncomfortable by seeing you. And so you keep quiet. The same thing you do for years.
(I’m wearing: secondhand leggings; secondhand shorts; boyfriend’s hat and jumper; the scarf that boyfriend bought me years ago; Deichmann shoes)
Because others are more important. Because others know it better. They are more experienced. And you are too young. Still.
Because you shouldn’t show off. Because you don’t want to share too much. Because you don’t want to say something, and change your mind the next day and you don’t want to feel like a phoney because of it.
Because you have to have it perfect. And be kind. And sweet.
And I scroll down through the social media and I think:
to sweet, I can’t even hear you, boring
oh one fun thing…
Okay, enough of social media for today.
And then I don’t share a thing. Or if I do, it’s the same boooooooring, not raw, not honest, not vulnerable, just as everyone else does it.
And I ask myself, why the fuck nobody hears me, why the fuck nobody see me, why the fuck am I so productive, yet I will have to break my piggy bank, if I want to repair my car…
Because I became just another “boring”, who is trying to fit in. A moment of compassion for myself. Time for self-forgiveness.
And let’s move on.
Because I’m here to make waves.