For quite some time now, I’ve been writing mostly for myself , it feels almost strange to write something that I will probably publish. I’ve been carrying around three notebooks. One for notes about my energy, second for weekly/daily tasks and one as a diary/future planer. This year has been the most wild one I had so far. People, work, experiences, new places. It has been too much at times, or at least it seemed so. Probably it was just the right thing at the right time. Yet almost everything made me question, who am I? Who am I in relations to the outer world, who am I in relations to what’s happening in the world, who am I in relations to this Divine nature, who am I in relations with other people, who am I in relations to myself, to me in the past, to me in the present, to the future me. I came to a whole new level of existence. Yet is time to move again to another level. I came so far from what I’ve been in the past years. Sometimes I tap myself on the shoulders, being proud of myself, that I’m not this girl anymore, who could roll in self pity for weeks when things weren’t going her way. I’ve learned to be way more proactive. Sitting down with myself and writing, then taking inspired action. Yet there are so many things, that I left undone. That I find really important, almost essential to who I am and to who I wanna be, to what I want to bring in this world… But I let the everyday life come in between, I still often let this pressure to pay my bills to steal my focus from writing, I still too often walk the known path, because I’m scared as fuck that, if I go to these two new paths I have in mind, that I’ll be overwhelmed, that I’m gonna make myself too much work for too small results again, that I will again spend too much time diving into my depths and overcoming my blocks, that things won’t go the way I want them to, that I will again put people I love aside and focus all my mental energy again all day everyday on biz.
It’s funny. I wanna be that person, who runs her biz or multiple businesses, I wanna be the person who takes time for people she loves, I wanna be the person who takes time for herself and for nature, the person who is in awe of miracles of life and human mind, who explores the world, the words and enjoys life to it’s fullest. And still finds time to write about it all.
I am wondering… Do I want too much from myself and from life? Am I pushing myself into things that i’m not ready for yet? But that’s something I love to do, even if the price is that I have to question my sanity every now and then. If you are waiting to be ready, you’ll never be ready.
So let’s jump.